Excerpt from Nitt Witt Hill

Here's an excerpt from the book.

CHAPTER TWO
THOSE INCREDIBLE ROTTEN EGGS

I'd heard that the senators and congressmen weren't accomplishing much of anything these days due to the approaching election.  However, in light of recent events I wondered if it wasn't more than just politics as usual.  Congress's investigation into the latest food poisoning crisis caused by yet another egg salmonella outbreak should have been an easy task even for a divided Congress.  But strangely, it wasn't.  Now, there were those in Congress who could politicize anything.  Perhaps eggs were one of the causes of what seemed to be a widening division in America.  After all, weren't they reported to be incredible?

Before I ever walked inside, I saw signs of the madness sweeping the country. Protestors from P.E.T.A. were outside marching with signs that read, "Free the Hens" to the music of the song from the movie, "Born Free."  On the opposite side of the street, other protestors had signs that read, "We don't Need Any More Cholesterol" and "Not So Incredible Now, Are You?"  Further down the street, a few Nitt Witt Party activists were naturally blaming the outbreak on the President.

I found a seat just as the House Committee on Agriculture and the Senate Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Oversight Committee started their Joint Committee hearing and was surprised to see the witnesses taking part in what appeared to be some game of musical chairs.  

There were four chairs behind a long desk with microphones for the heads of the FDA, the U.S. Dept. Of Agriculture (USDA), the head of the National Center for Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases, and finally the owner of Big Egg, the egg producer thought to be responsible for the salmonella outbreak.  None of the men seemed to want to be seated next to any of the others except for the Head of the Zoonotic Agency who was a stunning brunette.  Just when the men were about to try moving their chairs around once more to be seated next to the brunette and away from each other, the meeting came to order and the four were sworn in.

"Sir," the Chairman began, directing his first question to the owner of Big Egg.  "Would you state your name for the record?"

"I'm Mr. Big," the owner of Big Egg said.  "We sell eggs under the names of Big Egg, Really Big Egg, and Really Really Big Egg."

"Can you tell me when your farm was last inspected by either the FDA or the USDA?"

"Actually, that would be never," the owner of Big Egg said sheepishly.

"And yet you're one of the country's biggest producers of eggs in Alaska?"

"Well, we were in Alaska, but last year we moved our chicks across a road or two and a couple of state lines so technically, we're no longer there."

A newly elected congressman who hadn't yet learned to think before speaking asked, "And what was the reason your chicks crossed the road?"

A good half of the senators and representatives on the Joint Committee put their heads in their hands.  The other half broke out in laughter.

"Let me jump in here if I might," the head of the FDA said.  "I'll tell you why the chicks crossed the road.  It was to get to the side where they aren't inspected."

"And where's that?" the Chairman asked.

"Anywhere the eggs aren't frozen," Mr. Big said.  "That's why we moved to a state with a warmer climate."

"I don't get it," the Chairman said.

"Neither the FDA nor the USDA inspects eggs in states where the eggs aren't frozen" one of the senators charged with oversight of the FDA explained.

"That's a correct statement," the head of the USDA said.  

The FDA head agreed, "In fact, the FDA has no jurisdiction to inspect any egg producers anywhere."

"And why is that?" the Chairman asked.

"Because the other agency, the dumb one, has jurisdiction."

"I see you've got your facts scrambled as usual," the head of the USDA responded coldly.  "The USDA only has jurisdiction over companies that produce egg products and over grading the size and quality of eggs."

"You're telling me, you inspect eggs to make sure they're a certain size, but don't inspect the farms to see if the eggs are safe to eat?"

"That's exactly my point," said the head of the USDA.  "An egg is not an egg product."

"They're stinking eggs," the Chairman said.

"I'd like to apologize to the egg industry..." one of the Republican congressmen who represented the industry started to say.

"Oh, knock it off," the members of the Joint Committee said in unison.

"Unless they're egg product - you know, like dried, liquefied or frozen eggs, we don't inspect them," the head of the USDA said.

"That's why we're not in Alaska anymore," Mr. Big said.  "It's so cold up there, the eggs are frozen.  We were afraid that might give the USDA a reason to inspect us.  The way I figured it, if Sarah Palin could leave office up there, we could leave too.  We should have stayed in Alaska."

"So you're blaming ex-Governor Palin for causing the salmonella outbreak on the new location of your farm?" the Chairman asked.

"Well, she didn't exactly do the Turkey farmers much good allowing herself to be interviewed right in front of where they were slaughtering turkeys, remember?" asked a Democratic senator.

"I'd like to apologize to Governor Palin..." the apologetic Republican congressman started to say.

"Oh, put a cork in it," the Chairman said.

"Perhaps I can help," the Zoo lady said.

"I'd appreciate that," the Chairman replied.

"We think Big Egg moved their egg producing farm also to be closer to the source of the chicks and the feed suppliers.  The feed suppliers supply feed to the chicks, and the chicks are then supplied to the farm. Then they lay the eggs which are given to the egg distributors."

"What's your point?  We should follow the money?"

"Don't follow the money, follow the eggs," the Zoo lady said.

One of the more senior senators who had a touch of dementia was totally confused and asked, "Well which came first, the chickens or the eggs?"

At this question, even the visitors in the gallery groaned as more senators and congressmen on the Joint Committee put their faces in their hands.

"I'd like to apologize to the egg producers in America," the apologetic Republican congressman started again.

"Will you zip it?" another Joint Committee member demanded loudly.

"You can't make an omelet without breaking a few yolks, Mr. Chairman," one of the senators stated, glad to be able to say a few words with all the media coverage.

"What's that got to do with anything?" the Chairman said.

"Well if the egg fits, wear it," one of the Republican representatives responded, also proud to have found something to say for the cameras.

"What?" the Chairman asked and banged his gavel for order.

"Stop having a cow, and let's get back to the subject of huevos," one of the Spanish-speaking senators said.

"Don't go using that kind of language in this chamber," a non-Spanish speaking senator responded angrily.

"Oh, for crying out loud.  Can we get back to why Mr. Big moved his farm out of Alaska?" the Chairman asked.

"The hens are already out of the barn," one of the esteemed senators said.  "It's a little late to be trying to shut the barn doors now."

"I thought that only applied to horses," the head of the FDA said.

The Chairman banged his gavel down and tried to regain some control as the other members of the Joint Committee shook their heads.
"So it's because Governor Palin gave up her office you decided to move your farm to a warm state where it was never inspected, and that's why we have this salmonella outbreak?" the Chairman asked Mr. Big.

"I'm afraid that analysis has a few cracks in it, Mr. Chairman," the Zoo lady said trying to understand how a Joint Congressional Committee could be so dysfunctional.

"And just what does the National Center for Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases know that I don't?  And while I'm at it, just whose agency are you?"

The Zoonotic lady ignored the Chairman's question. "This outbreak isn't over why the chickens crossed the road; it's because of people eating runny eggs."

"The chickens were running across the road?" the senator with dementia asked.

As the gallery broke into uncontrolled mayhem, the Chairman suspended the hearing for the day, but was heard to say as he left, "A billion eggs here without inspection, a billion eggs there without any inspection, before you know it, you've got some serious salmonella."